music: wash. bon iver.

Maybe its the sounds of the playlist that I’ve been playing today, the first real warm day. I spent the whole morning in morning sun on the balcony, able to witness life sounds around me. Kids, people going to work, parents cooking in kitchens, the first couples outside on balconies eating a late breakfast. The sun is so warm it’s starting to tan my skin a little. For the first time in a while I feel connected, connected to Australia in a almost healed way. I remember the times I sat on my balcony there, watching the people along the beach walking their dogs or going for runs. It’s mid pandemic so there’s not much life to witness compared to here this morning, right now. However this weird feeling creeps in and over me, its a mix of loneliness but in a happy environment. I get lost for a moment, my imagination is so intense it literally takes me back. One of the girls I live with pulls me out of that bubble and reminds me im not lonely. I am not alone. I turn around and tell her about me feeling as if I was in Australia, I can almost feel right there into that moment. The air almost smells similar, which is impossible considering Australian sea breezes and that Melbourne city smell is so different to the clear spring mountain air we get here. However there’s similarities I can clearly feel. The whole day goes by so slowly, I feel it’s a similar repetition of my days in Aus. I had Uni stuff to do but not really much more, it was all self organisation so I just was free to do whatever, whenever. But, we were living in a lockdown and I had a sum of three friends that I couldn’t even see to do no activities at all. And I find myself here now, where our weekends are fully planned, by night I go out to see so many friends. I now have the job I manifested to be doing pretty much exactly on that specific day (or time really, the days back then all merged into one). I was just thinking about that. Isn’t it funny how life plays? One moment you’re sitting in a lockdown, barely any friends and absolutely alone, lucky to have one best friend that tries to keep you company as much as she could. Sitting on a balcony in southern hemisphere spring air, thinking about the daily organisation to not fall into mental holes. Planning the future and turning around every thought until chewed dry. Seven months later I sit here, in northern hemisphere spring air, surrounded by a safety net of loved ones, with a the job I focused on after all that turning and tossing of experiences, classes, passions and so on. It’s almost like I’m living two lives. I can almost not grasp it. I still feel like I’m in a dream, about to be woken up with news about Covid case numbers and lockdown prolongings. About to plan the day to get out and use the one hour we get wisely. Maybe tan on the balcony, maybe seeing if my BF wants to have a wine and order grill’d. Maybe try and fix some friendships, maybe try again to find more people. And then I close my Laptop and walk out to the bar my cousin works at. See friends Ive known since I was twelve. Can someone shake me, I need to know this is real.